Blessed2Bless by Steve Klusmeyer
Predictions for 2003
by James N. Watkins
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It’s time again to put what little is left of my reputation as a
insightful, discerning, farsighted, perceptive columnist on the line. Yep,
presenting my predictions for the coming year! Since my previous
prognostications have been so amazingly accurate, I’m cautiously confident
that these events will occur in 2003 . . .
Michael Jackson’s musical career will be left hanging, along with his kids. A famous Hollywood couple will split up citing "irreconcilable differences." A famous country-western singer will lose his wife, dog, and pick-up truck after a D-I-V-O-R-C-E.
“Survivor” and “The Amazing Race” will lose more and more of its once-loyal audience base after Brian, the “trashy used car salesman,” and that whiny, wimp Flo won top prizes last season. Life is not fair, but at least TV should be!
However, “CSI” will continue its popularity with high tech crime-fighting gadgetry. (Roll the clip.) Close up of Gil Grissom. “By analyzing this foot print, I can determine that the suspect is 6 feet, 4 inches tall, weighs 239 pounds, has a tattoo on his left bicep, and voted for Al Gore in 2000.”
“Martha Stewart’s Home Tattoo Kit” will become a popular item among her new audience demographic of “twenty to life.” Meanwhile “Lord of the Rings III” will face a costly computer-generated battle with sequels “Matrix Reloaded” and “Terminator 3.” (Ah-nold will get knocked out of the ring by Frodo.)
Rappers will continue spewing their verbal vomit and -- this is the scary part -- people will continue to buy the hateful, sexist, racist regurgitation. The violent video sensation “Grand Theft Auto 3/Vice City” will drop in popularity among potential sociopaths with the debut of “Satanic Ritual Mutilation II in 3-D.”
A high-ranking government official will resign following an infamous affair and/or politically incorrect joke. Politicians of all persuasions will continue to make stupid, off-the-cuff comments, but conservative gaffs will garner much more media coverage than liberal lapses.
A major Fortune 500 company will file for bankruptcy protection after a top executive is accused of embezzling millions in company stock.
Following all the media attention of the “What Would Jesus Drive?” environmentalist ad campaign, watch for other spin-offs of “WWJD?“ “What Would Jesus Drink?” “Where Would Jesus Dwell?” and an online dating service that asks, “Who Would Jesus Date?”
Your computer will become obsolete. Bill Gates and Nigerian widows will continue to offer millions of dollars through email letters. “KaZaA” and “Dragonball” will remain top Internet destinations, even though no one over 30 has ever heard of them.
Employers will clamp down on Internet use at work when corporate computer lines become jammed with SPAM and porn. Meanwhile Congress will reintroduce the 2001 bill known as - and I’m not making this up -- Controlling the Assault of Non-Solicited Pornography and Marketing (CAN SPAM).
Americans will continue gaining weight despite all the “miracle weight loss” products on the market. While terrorist attacks will unfortunately continue throughout the new year, the death toll for smoking-related deaths will take thousands of lives for every single life taken by a bomb.
Wars and rumors of wars will dominate 2003 headlines. Nostradamus, the French astrologer from the 1500’s, will be credited with accurately predicting the most tragic event in the new year. The President will call for prayer immediately following that event.
Yes, I’m cautiously confident that these things will happen in 2003. But I also very certain that, no matter what occurs in the new year, faith, hope, and love will remain.
Wishing you a New Year filled with that faith, hope, and love.
(c) 2002 James N. Watkins
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Used by permission.
-from Spam of the Month Club: January 2003.